I'm Sorry
by BabyCaramel
Summary: RENT songfic, in which Mark makes a decision. Yeah, it's M/R. But not the icky cliche kind. I hope, anyway. Just read/review, please. :-)


((This is my first songfic ever, so if it completely sucks, I'm sorry. It was also written in a matter of twenty minutes at around 2 AM... so hopefully it's not too awful. Also, this is dedicated to Kait, my very own Mark, for being a friend, a beta reader, a support group, and more. ::grins:: ))  
  
Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. They are Jonathon Larson's. The song is I'm Sorry by Joshua Kobak. I'm making no money, so please don't sue me because I haven't slept in a long time and I'm tired and cranky. Thank you.  
  
**I'm Sorry  
  
**By Alison H.**  
  
**_  
I know how to run when my body says stop  
  
_I walk up Avenue B. I don't know where I'm going... just know that I have to get away.   
  
_To press and push on, raise my head when it drops  
  
_It's cold out, and the wind beats painfully against my back. God, I want to go home.  
  
No. That's not my home anymore. It never will be again.  
  
We're over.  
  
_The gift you gave me was to see what is not_  
  
All those years, every time I imagined -- I never imagined it ending like this. It couldn't happen, just couldn't. We were meant to be, we were perfect for each other. We would fall in love and live happily ever after, because we were MarkandRoger and that was just how it worked.  
  
_I saw so damn much, there was some I forgot_  
  
I should have known. I should have known that only happens in fairy tales. Fairy tales and movies, and this isn't one of my movies, no matter how much I try to make it. This is life. Real life.  
  
_Suddenly I'm sorry, sorry for the doors I opened up  
  
_Why did I ever tell you? Why couldn't I have been content with just friends?' Our friendship wasn't perfect, but it was there. Always, like the sun and the moon and the earth and the sky. Why didn't I just leave it at that?  
  
_Sorry for the sunshine, sorry for me and for you, just sorry  
  
_I wish I could take it back now. It was beautiful while it lasted, Roger, so beautiful. But now that it's gone -- I'm not sure that short burst of beauty was worth it. Worth spending the rest of my life alone, away from you, worth losing the person I love more than life itself, in exchange for a few transient kisses and embraces?   
  
_I'm sorry_  
  
No. Not worth it at all.  
  
_Your soul and your mind I find terribly split_  
  
God, what ever made me love you in the first place? What ever made me think this could be different than any other relationship I've been in? What made me think you were special?  
  
You're not special. You're just like the rest of them. I didn't want to believe that. I wanted to think that you were my perfect angel, sent down to Earth to love me and watch over me.   
  
_Your soul in the light and your mind in the shit_  
  
You could've been, Roger. You really could've been that angel. You had so much potential, so much raw talent and emotion and life. You weren't a bad person -- you still aren't. Just... a victim of circumstance, I guess. A victim of drugs and AIDS and heartbreak, that in some unfortunate twist of fate combined to make you unwilling to love and to trust again.  
  
I wanted to change you. I thought I could. I thought I could make you see the light and fix your problems and become a better person. Together, Roger. Together, I thought we could do anything.  
  
I was wrong.  
  
_Suddenly I'm sorry, sorry from the sum of me and you  
  
_I still don't understand why you ever said yes. Why you agreed to be more than friends. I don't know if you really loved me like you said you did, or if you were just pitying me, or if this was all part of some plan to tear out my heart and leave it mangled on the ground.  
  
I don't mean that. You know I don't mean that. You would never do that to me, would you? No. No, I know you wouldn't. We both meant well. We had the best of intentions; God, we had our love. That was supposed to be enough.  
  
_Sorry for entangling, mangling ourselves into one when we should be two_  
  
It wasn't enough. It couldn't change the facts. I hoped and prayed and wished that it would, that somehow being in love would erase my detachment, your anger, my depression, your jealousy, your lack of self-control, my need for stability and control over life. It was stupid. Such a romantic idea. Romance doesn't exist, not in the real world. In my dreams, where you and I are in love and happy... it exists there.  
  
_I'm sorry_  
  
But that's why they're just dreams.  
  
_The violent machine and the one handed sledge  
  
_Well, it's over now. Over. I should stop thinking about it -- nothing I can think will bring you back.  
  
I'm not so sure I would want you back anymore, even if it did.  
  
_The sound of my scream as I leapt off the edge  
  
_Correction: I would want you. I do, more than anything else in the world. But I've learned something from this. What I want, and what's good for me, are two entirely separate things.  
  
_I know how to run when my body says stop_  
  
You're not good for me, Roger. And that's why, no matter how much I love you, no matter how much I miss you and want to be back in your arms -- I will never set foot in that loft again.  



End file.
